Oct 30, 2011

We can't Get Anything without Paying a Painful Price - What I've Gotten through Suffering from Depression -

I've been suffering from depression for about four years. I've almost recovered from it now, but I'm still going to a psychiatrist and taking antidepressant and sleeping pills.

When I developed my depression, I worked quite hard as a project manager. I suddenly became not able to go to the office and took three month medical leave. And then the next year I took three month medical leave again and transferred to the division that I belong to now.

I lost a lot of things because of depression.

As I wrote, I almost recovered but it doesn't mean that I can work as hard as I used to. Basically I loved and still love to work as a project manager, but I will never do it again. Even now sometimes I get so tired that I can't do anything expect lie on the bed.

But at the same time I've gotten a lot of things from depression.

Before I suffered from depression, I didn't know myself well. Of course I don't perfectly understand myself now, but I know myself far more than before suffering from depression.

At that time I was too self-confident. I believed that I could have done anything if I seriously tried doing it. But in fact I couldn't do things well and I was always disappointed with what I had done.

Depression made me know that what I could do was so little. Sometimes I can't even get out of the bed. Lying on the bed is just all of what I can do. And now I accept myself as someone who can just lie on the bed. I think that it’s really important to accept.

After accepting myself I've been able to think of what others think of and feel. Before suffering from depression, I wasn't satisfied with others and myself. I always required too much to others and I didn't give them anything. Now I think about what I can give someone else first. I can get satisfied with what I gave them, even if it was so tiny. And I'm happy, even if I can't get anything back. Interestingly, I can get more when I give someone without expecting something back than I require something to others.

I may be able to do a job as a project manager better now than before because of suffering from depression, but my depression wouldn't allow me to do a job as a project manager.

We can't get anything without paying a painful price. But I could get things that are worth their price.

And life goes on.


  1. Dear Yagian,
    First of all congratulations for your almost full recover from the depression. I believe it is something that needs to be gradual, but if you are on the way to full recover, than that is a victory in itself. I can imagine how hard that process was. Actually, I believe depression will be a major issue in the 21st century because of the financial crisis. People got used in many countries to live with certain amenities and benefits, and these sounded as something guaranteed. However, with the crisis a lot of them will go away and people will most likely delve into depression one way or the other. The basic needs of our grandparents are so different from the basic needs of today's society. Hopefully, not as many people will suffer from depression, but to the ones that will...well, at least I hope they can take something positive out of it. And yes, I believe you are right, we cannot get to some things, some places, some lives without paying the price, and often the price is really too painful. I think mass media and consumption tries to smoother the price of the difficult choices that sometimes we have to make, and some of them are not only painful but last over the years and are hard to get away from. Life changing choices are always painful and hard, but the important thing is that we are aware that we did the right thing and that we will take the utmost out of what they offer. So one should feel proud for the choices that one takes as long as he or she assumes them. Like the music at the end of the movie "Life of Brian": always look on the bright side of life!

  2. Thank you for your comment.

    I think that I will not recover from the depression perfectly, but I accept and love myself more than before the depression.

    I'll come across many things, which I can't expect, but life goes on.